Shopping with a Psycho
by STARS-Envy
Summary: What happens when Ed goes shopping with his boyfriend, Envy? Idiocity ensues. Edvy.


So like….my brain has been taken over by seagulls….it's a rare and serious (not really) sickness.

…….

HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Seriously o3o Do NOT take this seriously. This is just my mind when I'm super hyper and sleepy. :3

**Warnings:**Edvy, Yaoi, homophobia, arson, gayness, crackness, etc etc.

FMA doesn't belong to me, nor do the characters. So yeah. XDD All I did was come up with this BS. XD

Envy looked himself over in the mirror, turning around with a 'tada' pose before questioning the blonde who seemed to be dozing off in the chair behind him.

Said dozing (Or attempting to anyway) off blonde was also currently wondering what exactly made him think shopping for clothes-CLOTHES-with Envy was a good idea. What in his small-NOT SMALL DAMMIT-brain made him think shopping, plus his wacko cross-dressing boyfriend equaled fun!? Envy could shop, no, he could out shop any girl Ed's ever had the horror of shopping with. And that, _that_, was saying something. Because, at one point in time, he believed Winry to be the queen of shopping.

This was now the fifth stop he and Envy had made. Who knew Envy was able to carry almost fifty pounds of clothing easily, while he whined about picking up a simple couch when Ed needed help cleaning!

"How does this look, Edo!" Envy questioned, wearing a black mid drift shirt and a black skirt, accompanied with fishnet stockings, studded boots, gloves and his hair now in a high ponytail instead of his normal palm tree like style.

Ed jolted from his seat, slurring a mix between who, what, and where before his eyes settled onto his boyfriend, automatically blushing at Envy's choice in clothing.

Frowning at Ed's action, he gave him a questioning look before grinning as he saw Ed's eyes glued to the short skirt he chose to pick out from one of the many racks inside of the store.

"What do you _think_, Chibi?" He questioned again as he twirled, the skirt flaring up slightly.

"Can't you wear normal things, Envy!" Ed cried, blushing furiously as he saw the pair of green panties-yes. His boyfriend loved wearing panties too...crazy ass Palmtree- with the words 'Envy Me' across the ass.

Envy smirked as Ed's face went a shade darker than before, ignoring the shoppers who seemed to give disapproving looks as they passed by. Turning to Ed, he bent over, now eye to eye with him as the smirk stayed in place-only growing as Ed shuddered.

"No! I can't Edo!" He said placing a kiss on Ed's nose and straightening back up, placing a hand on his hip. "Besides," He started as he placed the back of two fingers on Ed's cheek, giving him a knowing look. "I _know_ you love me in things like this, even if you'll never admit to it!"

"I do **not!**" Ed lied, his cheek tingling from where Envy was just touching. He felt his face starting to heat up again, and cursed Envy.

"Well then, if you don't.." Envy started faux pouting and walking away from Ed and towards the dressing rooms again. "I'll just have to find something that'll make you go crazy!" He laughed out as he disappeared into the changing rooms to change back into his own clothing, which, was an actual normal outfit for him. Consisting of a black tank top that was torn up at the bottom, a pair of hunter green shorts which also had tears on the bottom of each leg, and of course he had his green converse with rainbow shoelaces(1).

Ed let out a huff as he watched Envy scurry about around the clothing store-feeling slightly uncomfortable in being in the 'Misses' section of a…well…females' clothing store in general. As far as looks go, Envy _did_ look like a female, but once you heard the green-haired teen speak you knew automatically it was a male underneath that feministic body.

_That, and-_Ed let out a snicker, amused at his own thoughts-_not to mention he has no chest whatsoever._

Ed let out a chuckle before ducking as a skirt came flying at him, the article of clothing landing ontop of his head as he looked up to see Envy.

"I am _so_ getting that skirt, Edo!" Envy started, hopping slightly as Ed pulled the skirt off of his head with a bemused look, seeing the lime green skirt with a ring of black on the bottom of it and chains adorning the belt loops. Ed just forced a smile at Envy, trying not to question the other male about his adoration for the color green.

Last time he questioned it, it ended up with Ed's mind getting fried by Envy's use of big words and quick speaking.

Who knew Envy could even use such words.

Shaking the thoughts from his mind, Ed stood up, placing the clothes Envy planned to buy on the chair and going over to his boyfriend to watch what exactly Envy was looking at this time.

He automatically regretted it as he noticed Envy looking through lingerie. As Ed slowly backed away, Envy's ears perked up (Shrimp sensors tingling, anyone?) and he quickly turned around, grinning and tackling Ed in a matter of seconds. The tackle sent them both flying into a rack of lingerie, both being covered in the articles of clothing. A woman in a blue vest came rushing over, looking none too happy at the destroyed rack.

"Excuse me, you two-Would you **please** get up!" The girl growled, stomping her heel in annoyance. She'd rather _not_ have to stare at asses instead of faces when she yells at the two…males? Raising an eyebrow, she frowned awaiting for the two to stand up.

Ed let out a groan, trying to push Envy off of him as someone yelled at them from above. '_Metal digging into your back, doesn't feel too good._' Ed thought to himself.

Once Envy stood up, Ed did the same, seeing a brown haired woman, save for pink bangs, glaring at them, her face seeming to be that much more disgusted as she looked over both males.

"If you're looking for presents for your girlfriends, then I suggest _not_ breaking things!" She grumbled, starting to pick up the clothing off of the floor.

Envy started snickering loudly, Ed frowning-a blush spreading further onto his body at what the woman said. The girl-Ed noticed-named Rose looked over to the laughing fit that was Envy, confused as to what exactly was funny.

"What's so funny?" She said frowning, still picking up the items off the floor. Envy's laughing started to die down, the gasps of desperately needed air dying as Envy replied.

"Oh, we're not looking for items for our" He let out a snort. "_girlfriends. _I'm looking for _me_, and my boyfriend is just tagging along!" Envy stated matter of factly. Rose gave them both a disgusted look, as Ed resisted the urge to bash his skull into the floor.

Did Envy have to tell _everyone?_

Rose said nothing more other than mumbling something under her breath that Ed couldn't quite hear, but from the anger flaring on Envy's face, he could tell Envy could. Ed grabbed onto Envy's forearm, ignoring the deadly glares that were being sent to the female.

Dragging Envy along with him, Ed made his way back to where he once sat-a bit surprised the mountain of clothing that Envy had chosen still lying there. Envy allowed Ed to drag him along, though he kept mumbling things under his breath about 'ignorant bitches' and whatnot.

Turning to Envy, Ed frowned. "Want to leave?" He questioned.

Envy snorted, smirking devilishly. "Before doing _something_ to our dear homophobe over there?" He questioned jerking his head in Rose's direction.

Ed frowned further, already knowing Envy was going to do _something_ to that poor girl. Now, don't get Ed wrong. Whatever she said to make Envy like this definitely made her no one he'd like to know-but nonetheless. Envy could do some fucked up things…Envy could do some very fucked up, over the top, inhumane thing-He knew, there were moments where Envy's anger was focused on him and him alone.

Ed shuddered at the memory when Envy sent him to the hospital with a broken arm.

"And what," Ed started to question. "Do you have in mind, Palmtree?"

Ed paled as Envy just looked to him with a sadistic grin. "Leave everything to me, Chibi-kins. You just go buy me those clothes before we get kicked out." He said winking as he gave Ed his debit card.

Shaking his head, Ed took the card, muttering under his breath as he grabbed the pile of clothing and made his way to the register, leaving Envy to plot alone.

Ed trudged back into the store, cursing Envy for parking their car so far away from the star.

'_Sure_' Ed thought to himself as he scanned the store to find his lover. '_It gets you more exercise! It also gives me a pain in my ass!' _Ed let out a whine, rubbing his back sympathetically. He finally spotted Envy, and resisted the urge to face palm at the other male's new outfit. Walking over to Envy, he looked the other male up and down as Envy seemed to be working on something.

Envy was now wearing a camouflage tank top and skinny jeans, his hair tied back in a low ponytail, and black smeared under his eyes. (That's the power of eyeliner, baby!)

"Envy?" Ed said, in an amused tone.

Envy replied with a hmm.

"What happened to your other clothing?"

"Oh, I totally drenched them in gasoline. Gonna burn 'em."

"…And you used _your_ clothing instead of something off the rack…why?"

"Needed an excuse to have this badass outfit!" Envy chuckled and sent Ed a wink, which in turn made Ed roll his eyes.

'_I really am dating a psychopath.' _Ed thought to himself. What amazed him more was that no one seemed to notice Envy while doing these things.

"Wait…" Ed thought aloud, before turning to Envy in confusion. "Where the **hell** did you get gasoline!?" He whispered to Envy, trying not to get looks from other people.

Envy gave a smirk, before turning to look at Ed. "That's on a need to know basis, Chibi-san." Turning back, he snickered. "And you don't need to know."

Ed let out an exasperated sigh, shaking his head. Peering over Envy's shoulder he saw that the brackish-haired teen was making…..

"…Envy?" Ed questioned, once again.

Whipping his head around, his tendril-like hair whooshing around with him, he smirked up at Ed, a bottle filled with gasoline and a pair of…..

Ed started to stutter, blushing a bright red. "W-Why is t-there a thong in that b-bottle!?" He cried out embarrassedly, earning a laugh from Envy.

"So I have something to light when I throw this fucker at that chick!" Envy said in a matter of fact tone, tossing the bottle and catching it without the liquid spilling.

"…..Envy…you can't be serious!" Ed cried as his eyes widened, taking a few steps away from Envy. "You are **not** going to burn this building- o-or that girl!!!" He said glaring at Envy and crossing his arms.

Walking towards Ed, Envy peered down at the other male, (Remember, Ed is not, I repeat **not** short. He's just surrounded by giants! -Thumbs up-) Raising his eyebrow up and smirking at Ed playfully.

"And, Chibi-san." He started, seeing Ed's glare falter. "What exactly are you going to do to stop me?"

"Tch, what the hell do you think?" Ed retorted, his gaze hardening. Envy grinned, pretending to think with a soft hum.

"Go into one of your bitch fits?" He questioned, tilting his head and smiling sweetly at the blond. Moments later he let out a yelp as Ed's heel dug into his foot. (Damn, with Ed's boots that **had** to suck..)

"No, of course not, you damn Palmtree!" Ed grumbled out. "But there is **no** way in hell I'm dealing with this. And you are **not** going to burn this place down and that's final!" his voice was gaining volume as he spoke, and on the last word the front doors flew open, a few policemen making their way to the counters, a cashier pointing in Envy and Ed's direction.

"…..Fucking hell Ed. You were being too loud!" Envy whined as he stomped the ground in annoyance.

"I-I was!? They called because _someone_ was planning arson!" Ed cried, ignoring the police who were now walking towards where they were.

One of the officers shook their head. "You two again?" He started with a sigh. "They don't pay me enough to deal with you guys, ya know?" He said as he pushed Ed towards the door, the other officers having the trouble of escorting Envy out forcefully. Ed crossed his arms, shaking his head.

"I don't get paid at all, and I live with that crazy Palmtree." Ed grumbled out.

The officer patted Ed's back sympathetically, ignoring the threats Envy was yelling out to the other officers.

Once the two were escorted home, getting again, another warning, Ed fell onto the soft plush couch that welcomed him almost immediately after he walked into their house. Not even ten minutes later, Ed was asleep.

Ed let out a soft chuckle, placing a blanket over Ed. "Sorry Edo, I have a few things to finish." He said before silently leaving the house.

The next morning Ed let out a stifled yawn, stretching and rising from the couch.

After getting up and getting breakfast, he turned on the television. Flipping through the channels before something caught his eye, making him drop the cup of orange juice he was about to drink.

"You're fucking **shitting** me…" Ed groaned out, before getting up and darting off to where Envy was currently sleeping.

Said Palmtree was covered in ashes, and his clothing was slightly charred.

Moments after the door was slammed open, Envy jolted up, screaming an 'I didn't do it, you have no proof!'

Ed face palmed, before throwing a spoon that he kept gripped at Envy, yelling at him. "I told you not to burn down that building, dammit! That's _another_ fucking chance of you getting caught you dumbass!"

Easily dodging the spoon, Envy just grinned at Ed. "You know they'll never know who did it!"

"And you know that how?"

"Because I'm me!"

"……Go clean yourself up….you fucking Palmtree."

"Right! Oh, and don't worry. No one died…._this time._"

"Don't tell me that. I want **no part in your revenge, you psycho."**

"**Love you too, Edo~"**

**This is sort of an apology for my emo fics ;3 I was going through a shitty post non break up break up depression-I don't wanna fully explain it **

**(1) I have shoes like that…and I seriously just looked around my room to get a shoe desc. XD The only difference is mine are pink…and have America on one, and Canada on the other. ;D ………..YES I DRAW ON MUH SHEWS X3**


End file.
